I figured it out...I think. But maybe I'm wrong...I'm not sure...

Warning: a lot of this is me thinking "out loud" (or perhaps "thinking in type" is the way to phrase it) and may not be coherent.

So we've been parents for a year now and it's taken me that long for the lightbulb to switch on. I never could figure out why some parents just couldn't be consistent in their child-rearing. I mean, it seems so easy. When you're a non-parent and you see parents not disciplining their children the way you think they ought to or you see children behaving a way they ought not to, you tend to think things like "my kids will never do that," or "I would never allow my child to say that to me," or "What the heck is that mother thinking?" or "why would she reward that kid for screaming by giving him a candy bar?!"

Here's what I think has happened. Parents (especially me) are freaked out by the responsibility of raising their children. Nobody wants to be that parent. Nobody wants to have that kid. Likewise, very few people have the proper equipment / training / experience it takes to be CONFIDENT in their parenting techniques! I'm blessed to know some mothers who are very confident (and rightly so) in how they discipline their kids and the boundaries they set for them. But I tend to fall into the scaredy-cat category. It takes a lot of wisdom and foresight to be able to know what type of parenting will give your child the best chance of growing up to be a productive, responsible, likeable member of society. It's easy to know what characteristics you don't want to foster in your child. It's not so easy to know in the heat of the moment what your actions should be in order to discourage unfavorable behavior.

Case in point: We're trying to wean Vincent from his pacifier. It has served its purpose through his infancy and we are glad that it was useful for him. I am fully convinced that allowing him to use a paci has been the best thing for him: He needed that sucking sensation when he was little. Now that he's bigger though, we know that it will only get harder to separate him from it as he gets older. We know that allowing him to keep it could cause speech problems, tooth development problems, as well as unnecessary attachment issues. We have successfully (and without much effort, to be honest) gotten him to give it up throughout the day. The only time he really wants it is at naptime/bedtime. Over the last couple of days we have successfully gotten him to give it up even then. There have been some tears, but usually not more than 10-15 minutes at a time. So then I'm thinking, "Great! We're there. No more paci." But now he's napping for about half the time that he usually does and he's up a lot earlier because he doesn't have the paci to put himself back to sleep. This is the kind of thing that makes me unconfident (is that a word? It seems wrong) in my parenting strategies. Then I'm torn because I know he can sleep more than he is and I want him to do that even if it takes giving him a paci. But I hear that taking it from him 6 months from now or even a year from now could be even harder. To me each side is a valid concern. So then I begin to ask myself, "do I forfeit my consistency for the sake of Vincent's sleep or do I allow him to get a little less sleep than he normally would?" The answer is "no." I won't forfeit consistency. In all likelihood he will work himself back into a sleep schedule that is similar to the one we all like the best. And even if he doesn't, he still gets about 12 hours of sleep per day, which is on the high side of what the pediatrician recommended.

For now, the lessons I want Vince to learn are: 1: Mommy and Daddy are the bosses. 2: He is getting to be a big boy now and he is very much able to soothe himself to sleep. 3:Crying does not change Mommy's mind. 4: His teeth and speech are important and Mommy and Daddy want to make sure he grows well. If I keep our parenting goals at the front of my mind, the decisions that seem so difficult to make suddenly become quite easy. The difficulty comes in when Dan and I don't have clear goals set. The "let's try it and see" theory is very dangerous territory. It allows for way too much inconsistency. I've realized that's why parental confidence is crucial. If I can just have confidence in our decisions, I will be more likely to stick with carrying them out, no matter how hard the task. I am convinced that at Vincent's early age, he is not being deliberately manipulative...BUT I am also convinced that he is testing the waters right now. He wants to find out at what point I might break (I am determined not to).

When I find myself conflicted like I was with the paci, it helps me realize that other parents must be conflicted when their children are misbehaving, or doing whatever it is that used to cause me to raise my eyebrows in disbelief or disapproval. We are trained to make goals and have semi-annual reviews in the corporate world. Maybe it's time we start making goals and setting objectives where it really matters: in our homes. Then we might find parenting just a bit easier and less confusing. Maybe then we'll have the confidence we need in order to produce the results we desire.